What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:30
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
How short is too short for a skirt?
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
While emptying a house, have you ever seen something in it that blew your mind?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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She loved him until the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My life is so biszare .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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I write beautiful poetry .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What would have happened if Shin was a good movie instead of a bad one?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I waited trembling.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I have no regrets .
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I think the readers, may guess!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was 9 years of age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We all went to grammer schools
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.